🎵Looking for Love—And a Father
In my last post, I shared the beautiful memory of my birth father—the man who tattooed my name on his arm as a mark of his love for me. But human stories are rarely simple. Sometime shortly after my fifth birthday, he was gone. And a little girl was left wondering: Why did he leave? What did I do wrong?
When your hero leaves, that important space is left empty. A lifelong search begins looking to replace everything that’s missing. Love; a father; protection; a new hero. If you don’t know what a father’s protective love actually looks like, you start looking for it everywhere and in everything.
In the years that followed, my mom made great efforts to replace what my little sister and I were missing. Men came and men went, many who tried to play “Daddy.” While some of them worked hard to live up to the name in their own fractured ways, darkness, addiction, and brokenness sometimes invaded those dynamics. Instead of finding safety, boundaries were broken that love should never have crossed.
When the very people who are supposed to protect you become the source of your wounds, the marks left behind may be invisible from the outside, but they are there nonetheless. These are not marks of love like a tattoo; they are stains of shame you feel the whole world can see on you. And those marks breed a quiet, devastating conclusion: If earthly fathers brought pain and abandonment, how could I ever trust an unseen Heavenly one to love me and stay in my life?
The “Foster Child” Mentality
By the time I was a teenager, I was looking for love—and a father—in all the wrong places, learning all too well how to live with a victim mentality. But God is a master of rescue. Years later, after I began walking with Him, He began the work of healing those old, deep wounds. Eventually, I was even able to find a place of reconciliation and peace with those in my past who had hurt me.
Yet, as wonderful as the healing was, a quiet barrier remained around my heart. Not having a solid and safe father figure while growing up left me entirely unequipped to comprehend God as a “Father,” especially as my Father.
I read the Scriptures about the “Spirit of Adoption” bringing us into God’s family, but in my heart, I still felt like an outsider. To me, God felt like the world’s best, safest “foster parent.” I knew He cared for me, but how could I accept Him as a true Father when I didn’t even know what that word meant? I wanted to be a real child of God, not just someone pulling up an awkward chair at a mixed family table.
A Message from Abba
I was in my mid-thirties when everything changed. I was attending a conference at a Messianic Jewish temple, completely unaware of what God had planned for me that night. In the middle of the worship service, a singer from a visiting ministry—someone I had never seen or heard of before—pointed me out in the crowd. He said he had a “message for me from God.”
Naturally, I was skeptical. He told me I was carrying deep emotional issues (which, let’s be honest, applies to most of us!). But then he spoke the exact words that cut right through my barriers:
“God is saying, ‘I know you have not been feeling like My child. But I want you to know that you ARE My child, and I will soon show you what it feels like to be My daughter and to have Me as your Father.'”
From Outsider to Full Bloodline
God is a promise-keeper. True to His word, He began showing me what it felt like to be a daughter. For me, that path opened up through a deeper understanding of Hebrew history, the Old Testament, and the beautiful heritage of the Scriptures.
As I learned about the root of our Christian faith, a deep love for Israel grew in my heart—a love that feels just as natural and instinctive as the love I have for my own birth sister. In joining my heart to Israel and praying for her daily, something shifted deep within my spiritual DNA.
I realized I wasn’t an awkward outsider trying to fit into a family that wasn’t mine. Through YahShua, I had been brought into a royal bloodline. I wasn’t a “foster child” anymore; I was a true heir, taking my rightful place at the table of the Most High.
Galatians 4:6-7 BSB
[6] And because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying out, “Abba, Father!” [7] So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, you are also an heir through God.
https://bible.com/bible/3034/gal.4.6-7.BSB
To the Marked and the Fearful
If you are reading this today and you feel permanently “marked” by the choices of people who should have protected you, please hear me: Those broken boundaries do not define your identity. Your earthly history does not dictate your heavenly inheritance.
It is completely understandable if your trust is fractured, and it is okay if the word “Father” (and sometimes “Mother”) makes you want to build a wall. God is not angry at your hesitation or your fear. He is a patient, tender Parent who is willing to meet you right where you are and teach you a completely new definition of love.
An Invitation to Come as You Are
Mark 10:14-16 BSB
[14] But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and told them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them! For the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. [15] Truly I tell you, anyone who does not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” [16] And He took the children in His arms, placed His hands on them, and blessed them.
https://bible.com/bible/3034/mrk.10.14-16.BSB
I no longer walk through this life feeling fatherless. I have taken my place as a daughter of the King, and I finally understand what it means to look up into the heavens and call Him Abba. Truly, just as His Word promises, He is a Father to the fatherless—and His arms are wide open for you, too.
A Final Scripture to Stand On
Psalm 27:10 BSB
[10] Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
https://bible.com/bible/3034/psa.27.10.BSB
A Song for the Journey
To close, I want to leave you with a song by ApologetiX that frames this reality perfectly. If your earthly father left a fractured legacy, remember whose daughter or son you truly are.
Author’s Note: This post was developed with the abundant help of Gemini (by Google), adapting an older, unpublished devotion that will eventually find its home in my upcoming memoir, “Grace by DNA.” A special thank you to my AI collaborator for helping weave in the phrase “spiritual DNA”—a concept that perfectly captures the heart of this journey.
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