Strong Enough to Grieve
Temporary! That word carries both comfort and terror. Knowing that suffering will come to an end is comforting. Knowing the pain of loss when the end comes is terrifying.
Today marks 11 years since I said goodbye to my mom for the last time. It was bittersweet because of the healing that took place between us in her final days and hours. I wanted to let her go because I didn’t want her to suffer, but I didn’t want to let her go because I finally felt like I had a mom. Both the healing and the loss changed my life in more ways than I can count.
Anyone who was reading my blog knows that I pretty much stopped writing regularly after her passing. And then more losses and pain followed in the years after that made it hard to come back. But now that I’m here, and on this death anniversary, I want to focus on the good that God provides to comfort us in a life we have little control over. One bit of comfort is in that unseen eternity that carries more hope than anything in this world could ever provide. It’s a hope that my mom is there, in the Presence of our Creator and Lord, and enjoying every pain-free moment with Him. It’s a hope that I will see her again one day. And, it’s a hope that my own eternity will be filled with all the Love and Light that is God Almighty Himself. Those unseen hopes can carry a person through many troubles in this temporary life.
So, as I’ve been waxing poetic lately, I think it’s finally time to share the poem I feel God gave me shortly after my mom’s passing. I had been saving it to submit to a publisher, but maybe someone will stop by here who really needs to read it. Many have been brought to tears by the words in these verses, and I pray it blesses at least one someone out there.
STRONG ENOUGH TO GRIEVE
By Crystal A Murray (C) 2015 All Rights Reserved
No, you weren't the kind of mom that...
Fixed my lunches,
Made my bed,
Came to school functions,
Helped me study,
Or pushed me to graduate.
You didn't help me to...
Get ready for a prom,
Plan a perfect wedding,
Or prepare for a family.
See, we didn't have a storybook life.
Not even a sitcom, really.
Alcohol and mental illness,
Along with some bad "dads" in our home,
They stole hours and days.
They stole my childhood.
And yet, I loved you.
We finally became friends.
There were still many battles,
But I was old enough to stand.
And then we both got stronger.
The love of God changed our hearts.
And His grace changed our lives.
Old things went away... mostly.
But some damage was done.
Some scars would stay,
And even hurt at times.
You were better, but not always.
I was stronger yet often weak.
Oh, but I still loved you.
When the cancer came,
I was ready to fight in prayer,
But you said you were ready to go.
And so, I came to your side.
And that's when I learned...
You were still tormented.
You battled something oppressive that neither of us could see.
Much of what I took personally and hurt from
Wasn't about me.
But I had never known that.
It was all personal to me.
My hurts were so deep,
Healing seemed impossible,
And all my memories felt painful.
But then, a new friend prayed.
God sent her to both of us.
I had been strong enough...
To do what you needed,
To prepare for your death,
And to take care of business;
But I had not been strong enough to grieve.
After our friend prayed,
she taught us how to pray.
She showed us God's words that promised victory.
And then the peace came in.
You were delivered from your torment.
And I was set free to grieve.
I found memories of good times.
I sang you heaven songs--
Many I recalled from childhood.
And you rested.
I held your hand and felt new love for you;
Love not restricted and bound...
By years of pain,
By bad memories,
Or by guilt for my imperfections as a daughter.
Real, heartfelt love.
So, finally...
I grieved freely.
As your breath slowed,
As comfort took over pain,
And as God let me get some sleep, too.
You slipped away.
And I cried.
Now I remember the good.
And though it brings me sadness,
It also sets me free
because now...
I am strong enough to grieve.
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When You Need More Than A Healing
I love the times when reading something in the Torah, or other parts of the Old Testament, shines a new light on some message or story from the New Testament. On that note, I want to begin with the story about the woman with the issue of blood. The video above is the ApologetiX parody of Boston’s “More Than A Feeling,” and it’s called “More Than A Healing” which is exactly what happened to the woman in the short version of our story from Matthew 9:20-22…
And if you click here, it will take you to a page including all the texts with that story, (from Matthew plus from Mark 5:25-34 and Luke 8:43-48). In addition, the link gives parallel views of all verses in both The Complete Jewish Bible and The Amplified Bible.
Today’s Torah reading is from Leviticus 15:16 through Leviticus 15:28, and it speaks of more private things about discharges and uncleanness. There are many reasons why these things would not fare well in our current society, such as not being able to call into work sick because you are unclean due to spending some intimate time with your wife. To the extent of uncleanness in these verses, you would have to stay in and away from people if you even touched the bedding. But I’m certain there was more to it than we have available in current Scripture, and I think the advent of soap probably makes a big difference from those who could only bathe and wash their clothes in water to be cleansed.
But it’s the rest of the verses that brought light to the story I’ve included above. The remaining subject in today’s reading is all about when a woman is on her menstrual cycle. If you were a woman without soap, pads, underwear, etc., it was something better to endure by yourself because no one would be–or feel–clean around you. The laws made the woman unclean during her entire time plus seven days, and it made everything and everyone she came in contact with unclean as well. No one could touch her or her garments, and no one could sit where she sat or sleep where she slept without also being considered unclean.
So use what I’ve just spoken of, or read today’s portion for yourself, and then go back and read about the woman with the issue of blood. Now think about it. For twelve years this woman has not only been sick and bleeding, but she has also been considered unclean. No one would touch her, no one would sit with her, and no one would hold her, unless they were willing to be called unclean for a time. She was sick, tired, and completely alone. I imagine doctors tried to help her by prescribing medications, like whatever herbal remedies they normally gave to women who had issues with menstrual flow. The doctors likely did not actually examine her because it would have meant they had to spend the rest of the day as unclean. If they touched her menstrual flow, they would have had to be unclean for seven days. For her, this was a hopeless situation…until she heard about The Messiah.
I’m guessing that when the woman made her way into the crowd, they stepped away from her because they did not want to take a chance of touching her and becoming unclean themselves. The audacity that she would even try to get near the Messiah might have made them step between Him and her, so she would not touch Him and make Him unclean. (Ah, but they knew so little, right?)
When you read the story in The Complete Jewish Bible, you’ll see that what she reached for was not actually his robe, but the Hebrew word tzitzit which is the fringe on his prayer shawl. For a single man, the prayer shawl is long, so the fringe would have been closer to the ground and easier to reach for a weak, and possibly crawling, woman. But this daughter of Israel knew the promises of God’s word. Those pieces of fringe had knots in them that represented God’s promises to His people, including promises of healing. She may have reached for the fringe because it was easier to grasp, or because it was easier to get to without people stopping her, or she may have reached for the knot that promised her the healing she could not get from the hands of man. I believe that was the act of faith (trust in God’s promises) that brought her healing.
In spite of her fear of being condemned for touching another human being in her unclean state, this faith-filled woman was willing to take a chance because of all she would get as a result of stopping the plague that had been hers for far too long. With her healed body, the woman was not only reclaiming physical promises of strength and health, she was also reclaiming physiological strengths–being clean again, being able to socialize again, and being able to live and work among her peers again. This was more than a healing; it was a declaration of peace and joy for her future.
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April 3, 2014 Posted by Crystal A Murray (aka CrystalWriter) | Bible Study, Nonfiction, Torah Commentary | Adonai, Almighty, Bible, Bible Gateway, Bible reading, Bible study, clean, Complete Jewish Bible, Creator, crystalwriter, discharge, God, healing, Holy Bible, Israel, issue of blood, Leviticus, Lord, Old Covenant, Old Testament, Parashah, Portions, Scripture, The Complete Jewish Bible, Torah, Torah commentary, Torah Portions, Torah Reading, unclean, Word, Word of God, Word of the Lord, www.biblegateway.com, Yahveh, Yahweh | Leave a comment